When Did This Become My Life?

Erica — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 19:22:08 +0000

Have you ever woken up one morning and said – “When did this become my life?”

I used to ask this question all the time – except it used to be followed by “Seriously – How Lucky Am I?” and now it’s followed by “Could it possibly get any worse?”

By the way – the answer is yes…so do yourself a favor and NEVER ask that question.

But I’m the happiest, most optimistic girl on the planet – what could have possibly happened to send me spiraling into one of the darkest depressions of my life? Well SHE happened and then IT happened – and the next thing you know I started questioning everything about myself and my life – and finding that almost everything that I thought was true – WASN’T. I know I’m not the first person to ever have the proverbial rug pulled out from under them – but it’s still tough.

I’ve spent over a decade of my life in a relationship that allowed me to define myself in a very specific way. And now – I feel lost, scared, inadequate, and utterly alone. Worst of all – I don’t have a clue what to do next. I’m paralyzed.

Many of you have given me advice. My dear Liz Strauss keeps reminding me to Love Myself. In Sanskrit there is a term called Maitri which means “loving-kindness towards oneself”. I think most women tend to put the needs of everyone else before their own…and at the end of the day, there is nothing left. What if we did things differently? What if instead of getting our validation from outside sources, we developed a deep acceptance and love of who we are right now? That’s what my project The Bliss Ring is all about. If this strikes a cord with you – I invite you to contribute your own story about self-acceptance and bliss by visiting The Bliss Ring.

My Big Brother Paige gave me some amazing advice when he said: “How can you possibly found a movement on Happiness and Bliss when you’re living in Depression and Despair? How can you possibly hope to help anyone find Happiness, from where you are?” Touché.

And my friend Mark Schmulen passed on some advice he’d just received from the CEO of Wikia – Gil Penchina who said: Indecision can put you in a bad place…“if you have one foot on the train and one foot on the platform, it is eventually going to get very uncomfortable.”

So this of course brings me back to this week’s theme – Change. I think that real and lasting change can only happen after we get really unsatisfied about something. In my case – I’m unsatisfied with just about everything. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and feeling sorry for myself – but that doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere. So now – I’m ready to stop feeling sorry for myself and instead start using that energy to Change.

The Invitation

I keep returning again and again to a poem I read years ago. A poem written by a woman who was unsatisfied with herself and the world around her. A poem that was passed from person to person, country to country, continent to continent – until it spread all over the world. And I wanted to share that poem with you here now as a reminder that there is no need to settle for anything less then genuine happiness and bliss.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love — for your dreams — for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow -
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain — mine or your own without moving to hide it – or fade it – or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy — mine or your own
If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes,
without cautioning us to – be careful – be realistic
To remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless, and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty — even when it is not pretty every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure — yours and mine — and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “YES”.

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair – weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

ReinventingErica.com » maitri

When Did This Become My Life?

The Invitation

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