As a writer I know how hard it can be to write when you’re full of anxiety and worry.  That’s why I’ve always relied so heavily on Morning Pages.  Morning Pages are 3 pages of long-hand stream-of-consciousness thought that you write first thing in the morning.  The idea is to get all the crap (the worry, fear, anxiety, overwhelm) out of your head and onto the page.

Recently I’ve been trying my own alternative to Morning Pages which I call Prayer Pages.  I love Morning Pages, but since I’m so often having a conversation with myself on the page, much of what I write in those sessions is full of fear, complaint, self-doubt and negative self-talk.  And after each session I’m left feeling drained instead of inspired.  Prayer Pages help me to change my focus.  Here’s a short example of what I mean.

I generally start my Prayer Pages by writing this sentence:

“This is a letter of prayer…”

Then just like with Morning Pages I start my daily “Brain Dump”.  The difference is that now that I’m not talking solely to myself, I feel less fear and more gratitude.  It’s a subtle but meaningful difference.

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Some things are harder for me to talk about then others.  Actually a lot of things are hard for me to talk about.  Mostly because I have a lot of Shame, Guilt, Unease, or Uncertainty associated with far too many topics.  I was talking to one of my bestfriends Tara about two such topics earlier today.  And I remember being both relieved and reassured when I found that her fears so closely mirrored my own.

And that got me to thinking about what it is that connects us to each other.  I think deep down the thing we want to know most is that we aren’t alone.  That the things we think and feel in our moments of greatest triumph and despair are shared by others.  We want to know that we’re “normal”.  But at the exact same time we want to feel “special” and “unique”.  We seem to be constantly walking on a perilous tight-rope over egg-shells.  Just one misstep and we’ll fall, and the world will see us naked, exposed, and covered in egg.

But what’s so wrong with that?

Have you ever read something or seen something on TV that made you cringe?  Something that was so raw that you felt embarrassed for a complete stranger?  Or worse, you felt pity for them?  I think that’s what we’re all avoiding.  We don’t want to have people pity us or look down on us.  We don’t want to make a spectacle of our lives.  And so we hide.  We lie.  We tell half-truths.  We avoid reality.  We wear an almost impenetrable social mask.

But I’ve been watching the people who succeed in life, and one of the things I’ve noticed about a great majority of them, is that they recognize the value of the human condition.  And they find a way to leverage that to their advantage.  Let’s call this “The Oprah Effect”.  Think about it.  What is Oprah selling?  Happiness?  Tragedy?  Enlightenment?  Compassion?  Outrage?  Joy?  She’s selling stories.  Our stories.  Human stories.  She’s built a Multi-Billion Dollar Empire selling the common human condition.  And we love her for it.  We love her for showing us that we are not alone.  That no matter how messed up our lives seem, there is someone out there just as messed up as we are.

And we’ll love other people who can show us the same thing.  We’ll love them for their bravery.  We’ll love them for their honesty.  For their vulnerability.  For their willingness to stand naked in the crowd and dare to speak the words that we’re all thinking but too afraid to say.

So what’s your story?  Your real story?  Share with me.  I’m ready to listen.

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The other night Mr. S asked me what it would look and feel like to be in the perfect relationship?  And the truth is, his question caught me off guard.  After everything I’ve gone through over this past year, I’m very resistant to the idea of “being in a relationship”.  And that resistance intensifies when words like “perfect” are added to the mix.

But for his benefit, and my own, I think I’d like to answer his question.  I’m a Capricorn, and by my very nature I’m stubborn, ambitious, and to a large degree suspicious of anything that seems “Too Good To Be True”.  In my relationships I need Security, Honesty, and lots of good old fashioned Communication.  More than anything, I want to believe in the Fairy Tale…but the fear – my fear – stops me.

I once made a list of everything I wanted in the “Perfect Guy”, and I’m going to share that list with you here on two conditions, 1.) No negative comments about my list.  Think of this like a brainstorming session – where all ideas are considered valid.  2.) If you don’t like my list – too bad, it’s MY list – make your own.

1. No Projects
2. Killer Wit
3. Success Oriented (ie. Ambitious)
4. Down to Earth
5. Cultured
6. Not Ridiculously Good Looking (those one’s always cheat)
7. Totally Independent
8. Geeky (of the Tech Variety)
9. Mostly Smarter than Me (a girl’s gotta have someone to look up to)
10. Thick Skin
11. Open Minded
12. Willing to Take Risks – Big Ones
13. Passionate About EVERYTHING
14. Quick to Forgive
15. Willing to Dance (doesn’t have to be Fred Astaire – but willing to try)
16. Moody and Sullen sometimes (I kinda like that – plus I am too)
17. Able to focus for long periods of time – cause I can’t
18. Able to help me to focus
19. Willing to start a company with me – even though it could turn out badly should our relationship go south (goes back to that whole risk thing)
20. Comfortable being both the center of attention (ie. he’s got charisma) and being totally low key and watching me work a room.
21. But likes to compete with me.
22. Not terribly religious – but still honors traditions.
23. Loves to Read
24. Is Curious About EVERYTHING
25. Doesn’t believe that anything is Impossible
26. And Recently Added – Wants to Fly Me To Paris for Dinner (I’m Worth It Damn It!  Just ask Brett…)

That’s it.  That’s what I want.  But I think it takes Strength to ask for what we want.  And even more Strength to hold out until we get it.  Too many people settle for Good Enough.  They settle for less than what they want and deserve because they are tired of looking, waiting, hoping for “Perfect”.

But here’s my advice.  Be Strong.  Have Faith.  I don’t know for sure that Perfect is out there – but this time around I’m going to wait and find out.  The worst that can happen is I end up single for the rest of my life.  And so far, that hasn’t been so bad!

P.S.  To Mr. S, I know this wasn’t what you meant when you said I should write a post on Strength   And the Ballerina is of course, for you.

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Fear of Not Finishing

Today I was talking on the phone to my friend Patty, and this voice in my head said, “What are you going on and on about, even I’m bored now”.  It’s the very same voice that I hear every time I open up WriteRoom to work on my book.  Reading over the chapters I’ve already written paralyzes me.  “The work is no good,” I think to myself.

And then another fear, an even deeper fear hits me.  “What if I never finish?”

It seems like that unanswered question hangs at the end of everything I do.  But nothing more so than this book.  This book that means everything to me.  But right now – I’m terrified of it.  I hate when people ask me how the book is going…because some days I don’t even want to open up the file.

In the middle of writing this post, I called my friend Francisco, who organizes Twiistup and serves as my kind of unofficial writing coach.  When I told Francisco my concerns he said:

“Then maybe you aren’t ready to write this book.  You want to lead them to opening themselves up.  If you’re not ready to share enough to do that, then don’t write the book.

Most people who want to change the world, need to change themselves first.  Maybe you write the book, but nobody reads it – Who Cares? What’s more important, sharing with a bunch of people you don’t know?  Or making Erica O’Grady more comfortable with herself?

What people need is to understand themselves, so they can make decisions that make them happy.”

Francisco ended by giving me the following exercise which I plan to answer on this blog in a later post.  It’s gonna be time-consuming but worth it:

1.  Take out a piece of paper and write down what you “think” might be your passions.  Your passions must be something actionable.  Playing Piano, climbing a mountain, digging a ditch, etc (write as many as you like).  Passion is the thing that bothers you enough that it moves you to action, where the action is it’s own reward. 90% is about enjoying the Process vs. The End Goal.  Cause what if you don’t get there?  Because you might not.  Or what if you get there and it’s not what you wanted.  When you’re done writing this list, set it aside.

2. Take out a 2nd piece of paper, and think about what your 3 life drivers are.  A life driver is something specific to you that fulfills you (it could be a flaw).  Usually these have a back story.

3. Take your life drivers and hold them up to your passions.  Note which of your passions fall away.  You should be left with a handful of passions that maybe work for you.

Closing thought from Francisco:

“Don’t worry so much about the writing or the book, it’s the person first.  You.“

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Fear of Loneliness

In the Summer of 2008, I went on the Mashable Summer Tour (SummerMash ‘08) working with Yoono.  In less than a month and a half, we toured 7 cities across America (Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Austin, Miami, Boston, New York).  The days were long and intense, every evening ending in a series of parties and after-parties and after-after-parties.  We quickly developed a ritual.  Each night would end with the Core 4, Pete Cashmore, Karen Hartline, Will Pate, and me.  We had formed an unspoken pact to come together to bond, unwind, celebrate, and most importantly to experience a real and meaningful human connection.

Have you ever had the experience where you’re at a party, standing in a crowded room, surrounded by friends and people you know – and you feel a deep sense of Loneliness?  Well for me, that was a nightly occurrence over the summer of 2008.

I remember sneaking off into corners and hallways just to try and get away from the all encompassing feelings of loneliness, only to find Pete hiding in the very same corners.  We are both by our natures, Introverts.  Which, if you know either one of us, may seem hard to believe.  But introversion vs. extroversion really comes down to where you get your sense of renewal.  Introverts get energy and recharge their batteries by more solitary activities, like reading, writing, and participating in one-on-one or small group activities, while Extroverts get charged up by being the center of attention, working a room, and participating in larger group activities.  Where the confusion comes in, is that it is both possible and common to be an Out-Going Introvert, or a Shy Extrovert.

A word about feeling ALONE vs. LONELINESS.

Throughout that entire summer – I was RARELY ever Alone.  I was physically surrounded by dozens, and often hundreds of people every moment of every day.  But I was almost continually Lonely.  Loneliness is an internal emotional response to a perceived lack of meaningful connection.¹

Tips For Combating Loneliness

1. Connect With SOMEONE, Anyone: We feel alone because at that moment we do not feel a meaningful connection to another human being, or perhaps even to the world.  The first step to combating loneliness is to RECONNECT.  Reach out to someone you trust, or even a new someone you’d like to get to know better – and have a one-on-one conversation with that person.  It can be as intimate or common as you like.  But once you connect with someone your loneliness will start to ease away.
2. Volunteer: It’s hard to feel lonely when you’re helping people (or potentially animals) who need your help.  Consider volunteering at a Homeless Shelter, or Animal Rescue Center.  Or better yet, adopt a pet of your very own.  It’s almost impossible to feeling lonely when another living being needs you so much (dogs are especially good at easing loneliness).
3. Go Deep: Sometimes self-reflection is what you need to feel a deeper connection to yourself, and ultimately to the world around you.

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Fear of Failure

My bestfriend Kyle Kolacek and I took Ballroom dance together when I was in High School.  Every Tuesday night we met with Maxine Scott to practice the Foxtrot, Tango, Rumba, Waltz, and of course Swing.  I’ll never forget our instructor’s name because she said it was like Maxi-pads and Scott Tissue = Maxine Scott.

Around that same time, Kyle and I were die hard Objectivists – living in our own self-created world of Randian Values and Ideals.  And we knew this boy – a boy who reminded us both of Howard Roark or Francisco D’Anconia.  His name was Trey Taylor – and we both idealized him.  One night, I don’t even remember how it came about, the three of us went Ballroom Dancing at The Roaring 20’s in San Antonio.  We sang, we danced, we ate, we laughed – we sat at a round table in the corner talking about the future we would create.  We were naive and passionnante.  We thought we were going to change the world.

Trey talked about his plans to mine natural resources in space, and I talked about how I was going to write a book that was going to change the way people thought, and Kyle talked about something equally spectacular.  It’s funny how the memories of even our most cherished moments fade in time.  But, in the midst of all our fool hardy jubilation, I remember this voice in my head asking – “But what if you fail?”.  Even at the tender and naive age of 17, I was scared that one day I would ultimately FAIL.

I’m no less afraid of failure now, then I was then – with one exception.  I’m lucky enough to live, work, and play in a culture that considers Failure a Badge of Honor.  In the tech space – taking risks and failing is considered par for the course.  It’s how innovation happens.  It’s how disruptive, mankind altering technologies are created.

But I’ve also played in the traditional corporate space, where Failure is still frowned upon.  As the Creative Class continues to rise, that mentality will change, but in the meantime how do you conquer your Fear of Failure?

1. Ask Yourself – What’s The Worst That Can Happen? Sometimes overcoming our fears of failure is as simple as asking – what the worst thing that can happen?  For example, I recently gave up my home, belongings, and just about everything to go on an Adventure – a Spiritual Journey called Twilight & Tea.  When I first embarked on this quest, all I could think about was – what happens if I fail?  What if I don’t complete all 13 months?  What if I can’t find a Bed & Breakfast to stay at one month – where will I live?  What if the book I write is no good (by the way – I revisit that fear just about daily)?  But to get myself to take action and at least try – I asked – “What the Worst That Can Happen?” The answer: I could end up homeless (wait I would already be homeless).  I could end up a laughing stock of my community.  I could end up broke, without clients, and fat from all those breakfasts.  And I decided – if that’s the worst thing I was facing – it was completely worth the risk.
2. Ask Better Questions.  Instead of saying how can I get the money to start my own business?  Ask – how can I start my business with what I have now?  Instead of wondering what people will think if you fail, ask yourself how good will it feel if I succeed?  Tiny shifts in focus can be powerful motivators.  And this all starts with the questions we ask ourselves.
3. Take A Lesson From Edison & Chumbawamba. You all know the Edison quote about not failing but finding 1000 ways how not to do something.  But here’s an even better mantra from a British anarcho-punk pop band, “I Get Knocked Down.  But I Get Up Again.  You’re Never Gonna Keep Me Down”. The difference between the people who Change The World and the ones who just talk about it, is that the ones Who Change The World Get Up Again…No Matter How Many Times They Are Knocked Down.

How do you overcome your Fears of Failure?

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Fear of Heights

My palms were sweating as I climbed the ladder.  My bare toes gripping each rung with trepidation.  When I reached the top of the platform I thought my heart was going to beat straight out of my throat.  The instructor handed me a bar, and told me to lean my entire body out over the platform at a 45 degree angle.  With my toes hanging over the edge of the platform, I leaned forward.  But apparently not far enough.  The instructor stood behind me, pushing my hips further and further over the edge.  I resisted.  She pushed harder.  “Lean Forward – More.  Push your body over the platform”.

Once I was finally in position, she told me she was going to count to three and then say “Hut”.  “Hut” was the command to jump off the platform and swing from the Trapeze.  She counted down, “1, 2, 3 Hut!”.  And Nothing.  I was frozen over the platform.  Unable to move.  “1, 2, 3 Hut!”.  Again.  Nothing.  “You have to jump…you can’t stand up here all day – people are waiting”. She began the countdown again: “If you don’t jump this time I’m gonna have to push you, 1, 2, 3 Hut!”.  I jumped.  It was amazing.

I did it 3 more times.  And each time – I stood paralyzed on that platform.  Unable to move.  Unable to let go.  Terrified of plunging to my death.  But I still did it – again and again.  Cause I’m determined to conquer my Fear of Heights.  Even if it means being paralyzed on a platform over and over again.

I am not over my Fear of Heights.  Not by a long shot.  I’m still terrified on balconies and roofs, hills and mountains, and even staircases.  But when Mr. S suggested taking me on a Helicopter Ride to help me conquer my Fear of Heights I immediately said yes.  Because as scary as it is – sometimes there is nothing better than letting go and just letting yourself fall.

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Fear of the Unknown

Have you ever heard someone say, “If I’d known then what I know now, I would have…”.  Chances are you’ve probably said it yourself.  But unless you’re highly skilled in the Fine Art of Divination, you have no idea what the future holds until it happens.  This can make taking a leap on faith, or risking everything for your dreams a very scary prospect.  But as an Entrepreneur – that’s exactly what you have to do if you want to succeed.

When I first set out on my current project – Twilight & Tea, I was terrified.  I was giving up everything I had in my life (my home, personal possessions, local support network, everything), and I had no idea what the future was going to look like.  Truthfully, I still don’t know what the future is going to look like.  I only know that I’m clearly on the right path.

But chances are I never would have taken the first step on this adventure if I hadn’t cut off any chance of retreat first.

When I ended my last relationship I was terrified that I would spend the rest of my life alone.  And for me, being ALONE was an Unknown.  And therefore, it was bad.  I didn’t consider for even a moment that I would LOVE being ALONE.  But I do.  I love being on my own.  I love being a “me” and and “I”, instead of a “we” and an “us”.

And as it turns out, I’m not alone at all.  Not really.  I have lots of friends, colleagues, and to my surprise and delight admirers.  I get to spend time with people who I love.  People who are honest with me.  People who support me in ways that I’ve never been supported before in my entire life.  If I’d known then what I know now – I would have ended things years ago.

But that was a lesson I needed to learn.  Part of that lesson – involved trusting myself.  Trusting my own intuition.  Trusting that voice deep inside me that told me the things I was too scared to admit – even to myself.

And from that lesson – I’ve learned that there’s great power in “Taking the leap – and building your wings on the way down”.  That “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it”¹. And that “Fortune (truly does) favor the BOLD” ².

So guess how you conquer FEAR of the UNKNOWN?  You jump in – with both feet.  And sometimes your entire world will fall apart, and sometimes you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.  But no matter what – at least you’ll never have to wonder “What If?”.

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Fear of Success

Have you ever known someone who seemed to always give up right before the finish line?  Who seemed to have a penchant for Self-Sabotage?  Maybe you’ve even encountered this in your own life?  I know I have.

We all say we want success.  We all dream of the day when things are “just so” – cause then we will have made it.  But so few of us actually get there.

Fear of Success seems crazy!  Why wouldn’t people want to have the life of their dreams?  But for me, it’s a very real fear.

Fear of Success involves a lot of factors including: fear of change, fear of increased responsibilities, fear of betraying your values.  Here are some of the ways that I have practiced the fine art of “Self-Sabotage” in my own life.

Once before a workshop I was teaching on Web Design Techniques, I put off learning the material until it was too late to digest all of the information.  Then I stayed up all night the night before my class trying to learn everything that I needed to cover the next morning.  I literally had months to prepare for this workshop – and succeeding might have meant opening doors to future opportunities.  But, instead I procrastinated and sabotaged both my workshop, and any future engagements with that particular organization.

The thing about Self-Sabotage is that it can have lasting effects on your future.  If you’re not careful, you can create a string of failures that follow you for the rest of your life tainting your chances for future success.  Here are some of the steps I’ve been taking to stop Self-Sabotaging and start succeeding:

1. Break Your Procrastination Habit:  Remember in the movie Spanglish when Flor spends all night letting out one of Bernice’s outfits, and then the next morning keeps insisting in her broken English: “Just Try It On”.  I think that’s one of the best ways to beat procrastination.  Just try your tasks on for size – Sometimes getting started is all you need to do to get the motivation to finish the job.
2. Progress Not Perfection:  I’ve said this before – and I’ll say it again (probably several times).  I’d rather get a job done – then get a job done perfectly.  If you’re still reaching for perfection, now is the time to lower your expectations.
3. Stop Looking Outside Yourself:  My own fears of Success are often reinforced by the daunting success of those around me.  It can be intimidating to try and live up to the success of my friends.  Especially when they are all so incredibly unique and talented.  In those moments, I have to remember that I’m not competing with them.  I’m competing with myself.

What are some of the ways you combat self-sabotage?

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Fear Defined: A Series on What Scares Me Most

One of my long term goals is to confront and conquer as many of my personal fears as possible.  Over the last year, I’ve found that indeed the “Only Thing We Have to FEAR, is Fear itself.”¹  So welcome to a new series on the things that scare me most.

According to Wikipedia, Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat.  But most of my fears are much more specific then just a perceived threat.  In fact, many of my fears are grounded in past experiences and more importantly – past regrets.  Over the course of the next few weeks I’ll be talking about a variety of fears.  Chances are that you might share these fears with me.  If that’s the case, I’d love to hear your story in the comments section.  I don’t know why – but I find it reassuring when people admit that they share my fears.  I guess it makes me feel less alone²

I’m going to be telling some stories here that make me feel uncomfortable.  That’s one of the ways I’ll be confronting my fear of vulnerability (see also Fear of Intimacy).

Shall We Begin?

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