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Fear of Not Finishing

Today I was talking on the phone to my friend Patty, and this voice in my head said, “What are you going on and on about, even I’m bored now”.  It’s the very same voice that I hear every time I open up WriteRoom to work on my book.  Reading over the chapters I’ve already written paralyzes me.  “The work is no good,” I think to myself.

And then another fear, an even deeper fear hits me.  “What if I never finish?”

It seems like that unanswered question hangs at the end of everything I do.  But nothing more so than this book.  This book that means everything to me.  But right now – I’m terrified of it.  I hate when people ask me how the book is going…because some days I don’t even want to open up the file.

In the middle of writing this post, I called my friend Francisco, who organizes Twiistup and serves as my kind of unofficial writing coach.  When I told Francisco my concerns he said:

“Then maybe you aren’t ready to write this book.  You want to lead them to opening themselves up.  If you’re not ready to share enough to do that, then don’t write the book.

Most people who want to change the world, need to change themselves first.  Maybe you write the book, but nobody reads it – Who Cares? What’s more important, sharing with a bunch of people you don’t know?  Or making Erica O’Grady more comfortable with herself?

What people need is to understand themselves, so they can make decisions that make them happy.”

Francisco ended by giving me the following exercise which I plan to answer on this blog in a later post.  It’s gonna be time-consuming but worth it:

1.  Take out a piece of paper and write down what you “think” might be your passions.  Your passions must be something actionable.  Playing Piano, climbing a mountain, digging a ditch, etc (write as many as you like).  Passion is the thing that bothers you enough that it moves you to action, where the action is it’s own reward. 90% is about enjoying the Process vs. The End Goal.  Cause what if you don’t get there?  Because you might not.  Or what if you get there and it’s not what you wanted.  When you’re done writing this list, set it aside.

2. Take out a 2nd piece of paper, and think about what your 3 life drivers are.  A life driver is something specific to you that fulfills you (it could be a flaw).  Usually these have a back story.

3. Take your life drivers and hold them up to your passions.  Note which of your passions fall away.  You should be left with a handful of passions that maybe work for you.

Closing thought from Francisco:

“Don’t worry so much about the writing or the book, it’s the person first.  You.“

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Fear of Loneliness

In the Summer of 2008, I went on the Mashable Summer Tour (SummerMash ’08) working with Yoono.  In less than a month and a half, we toured 7 cities across America (Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Austin, Miami, Boston, New York).  The days were long and intense, every evening ending in a series of parties and after-parties and after-after-parties.  We quickly developed a ritual.  Each night would end with the Core 4, Pete Cashmore, Karen Hartline, Will Pate, and me.  We had formed an unspoken pact to come together to bond, unwind, celebrate, and most importantly to experience a real and meaningful human connection.

Have you ever had the experience where you’re at a party, standing in a crowded room, surrounded by friends and people you know – and you feel a deep sense of Loneliness?  Well for me, that was a nightly occurrence over the summer of 2008.

I remember sneaking off into corners and hallways just to try and get away from the all encompassing feelings of loneliness, only to find Pete hiding in the very same corners.  We are both by our natures, Introverts.  Which, if you know either one of us, may seem hard to believe.  But introversion vs. extroversion really comes down to where you get your sense of renewal.  Introverts get energy and recharge their batteries by more solitary activities, like reading, writing, and participating in one-on-one or small group activities, while Extroverts get charged up by being the center of attention, working a room, and participating in larger group activities.  Where the confusion comes in, is that it is both possible and common to be an Out-Going Introvert, or a Shy Extrovert.

A word about feeling ALONE vs. LONELINESS.

Throughout that entire summer – I was RARELY ever Alone.  I was physically surrounded by dozens, and often hundreds of people every moment of every day.  But I was almost continually Lonely.  Loneliness is an internal emotional response to a perceived lack of meaningful connection.¹

Tips For Combating Loneliness

1. Connect With SOMEONE, Anyone: We feel alone because at that moment we do not feel a meaningful connection to another human being, or perhaps even to the world.  The first step to combating loneliness is to RECONNECT.  Reach out to someone you trust, or even a new someone you’d like to get to know better – and have a one-on-one conversation with that person.  It can be as intimate or common as you like.  But once you connect with someone your loneliness will start to ease away.
2. Volunteer: It’s hard to feel lonely when you’re helping people (or potentially animals) who need your help.  Consider volunteering at a Homeless Shelter, or Animal Rescue Center.  Or better yet, adopt a pet of your very own.  It’s almost impossible to feeling lonely when another living being needs you so much (dogs are especially good at easing loneliness).
3. Go Deep: Sometimes self-reflection is what you need to feel a deeper connection to yourself, and ultimately to the world around you.

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Fear of Failure

My bestfriend Kyle Kolacek and I took Ballroom dance together when I was in High School.  Every Tuesday night we met with Maxine Scott to practice the Foxtrot, Tango, Rumba, Waltz, and of course Swing.  I’ll never forget our instructor’s name because she said it was like Maxi-pads and Scott Tissue = Maxine Scott.

Around that same time, Kyle and I were die hard Objectivists – living in our own self-created world of Randian Values and Ideals.  And we knew this boy – a boy who reminded us both of Howard Roark or Francisco D’Anconia.  His name was Trey Taylor – and we both idealized him.  One night, I don’t even remember how it came about, the three of us went Ballroom Dancing at The Roaring 20′s in San Antonio.  We sang, we danced, we ate, we laughed – we sat at a round table in the corner talking about the future we would create.  We were naive and passionnante.  We thought we were going to change the world.

Trey talked about his plans to mine natural resources in space, and I talked about how I was going to write a book that was going to change the way people thought, and Kyle talked about something equally spectacular.  It’s funny how the memories of even our most cherished moments fade in time.  But, in the midst of all our fool hardy jubilation, I remember this voice in my head asking – “But what if you fail?”.  Even at the tender and naive age of 17, I was scared that one day I would ultimately FAIL.

I’m no less afraid of failure now, then I was then – with one exception.  I’m lucky enough to live, work, and play in a culture that considers Failure a Badge of Honor.  In the tech space – taking risks and failing is considered par for the course.  It’s how innovation happens.  It’s how disruptive, mankind altering technologies are created.

But I’ve also played in the traditional corporate space, where Failure is still frowned upon.  As the Creative Class continues to rise, that mentality will change, but in the meantime how do you conquer your Fear of Failure?

1. Ask Yourself – What’s The Worst That Can Happen? Sometimes overcoming our fears of failure is as simple as asking – what the worst thing that can happen?  For example, I recently gave up my home, belongings, and just about everything to go on an Adventure – a Spiritual Journey called Twilight & Tea.  When I first embarked on this quest, all I could think about was – what happens if I fail?  What if I don’t complete all 13 months?  What if I can’t find a Bed & Breakfast to stay at one month – where will I live?  What if the book I write is no good (by the way – I revisit that fear just about daily)?  But to get myself to take action and at least try – I asked – “What the Worst That Can Happen?” The answer: I could end up homeless (wait I would already be homeless).  I could end up a laughing stock of my community.  I could end up broke, without clients, and fat from all those breakfasts.  And I decided – if that’s the worst thing I was facing – it was completely worth the risk.
2. Ask Better Questions.  Instead of saying how can I get the money to start my own business?  Ask – how can I start my business with what I have now?  Instead of wondering what people will think if you fail, ask yourself how good will it feel if I succeed?  Tiny shifts in focus can be powerful motivators.  And this all starts with the questions we ask ourselves.
3. Take A Lesson From Edison & Chumbawamba. You all know the Edison quote about not failing but finding 1000 ways how not to do something.  But here’s an even better mantra from a British anarcho-punk pop band, “I Get Knocked Down.  But I Get Up Again.  You’re Never Gonna Keep Me Down”. The difference between the people who Change The World and the ones who just talk about it, is that the ones Who Change The World Get Up Again…No Matter How Many Times They Are Knocked Down.

How do you overcome your Fears of Failure?

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