“I lost myself trying to please everyone else, now I’m losing everyone while trying to find myself.Recently a friend introduced me to the library. Mind you I’ve had my Boulder Public Library card for a while, but a couple weeks ago I did the unthinkable and actually checked out a couple books. Books I’ve been reading. I love to read. Especially at night in bed. Definitely on my list of top 10 favorite pleasures.
Yesterday, I went to renew my books and discovered that you can also check books out of Amazon on Kindle. I know what you’re probably saying…“SHUT UP…that is sooooo awesome”. Yeah…I know right? Amazing.
I read all the time growing up. And I mean ALL. THE. TIME. I’d rather be lost in the pages of a book, then adventure in real life. I have some regrets around that, but I’m also really grateful for my love of words. Grateful to find that love has caught up with me again.
“I restore myself when I’m alone.”Marilyn MonroeAnne Lamott was talking the other day about how when we grew up, we were all trying so desperately to pass as human. I’ve had a dark cloud over me for a long time, but the cloud is lifting, and my vulnerability and humanness are rushing back in. I miss the feeling of being obsessed with something. Working all night long because you can’t stop. Being in love with life. Cross out person, put in project.
I think silence and introspection are the only ways to speed up healing. I was talking to Garland today and he said he’s “obsessively introspective”. He is. And he’s been healing his life in ways I can only dream of healing my own. Might have something to do with his backyard. Then again, I can’t exactly complain about my own.
“Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone.”Alan Watts
2017 will be a year of silence. Lots of time spent alone. In nature. Curled up with a good book. Drinking coffee on patios solo while people watching. Sitting on cushions. Practicing on mats. Running on trails. Getting lost so I can find myself again.
I’ve told my closest friends that I’m bowing out for a while. I’m on a quest for silence. For adventure. For words. For wisdom. For acceptance. For surrender. For peace.
“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.”Anne Frank