There are 7.5 billion people in the world, but when your heart hurts, it feels like the population has shrunk to 2. You and the one who stole your heart.
Everywhere you go. Everything you do. That thief follows. First, it’s the song playing on the overhead speakers while you’re grocery shopping. Then you hear someone call their name in the parking lot, and moments later a car drives by…a car exactly like their car.
When this happens to me, I throw myself into my work. Right now I feel like I’m working 15 hours a day…and I don’t want to stop. Because if I stop…the pain will catch up. My mission is to outrun this pain. Outrun this sadness and disappointment. If I can stay ahead of this…then…then…what?
Then I never have to deal with all the hurt and it builds up inside of me until I act out in other ways? Ways that are destructive to me and other people?
The truth is, there isn’t a road or runway long enough in the world for me to outrun this. I’d be better off stopping.
Today, a friend of mine told me the same thing she told me a few weeks ago. I need to let him go. I need to let him go because he’s sensitive. Because I keep hurting him over and over again – even if it’s not intentional. To be fair, he keeps hurting me too. And I’m tired of feeling hurt and disappointed all the time. I’m tired of letting my walls down, only to have him build a fortress with a moat around himself in return.
I was worried about him today – so I sent a text that said: “Reply 1 if you’re okay. 2 if you need help.”
Which opened a door I wasn’t quite ready to open. I want us to be friends…but I think I’ll have to stop and sit with this pain for a while first.
I said a lot of things about him the other night – but the most important thing I want to say here so he can reference it.
“It annoys me how you take up too little space. You’re bigger than that. Take up all the space you can. Stop walking around like you’re asking permission. You’re too fucking amazing for that. Being humble is one thing. But acting like you’re not as good as everyone else. Fuck that. You’re better than all of them. And you’re being sold a bill of good to think you’re inferior.”
I think the world of him. I always always will. He’s a good man. Kind, generous, loving, handsome, smart, ambitious, curious, and selfish in his own charming way. And as he said today – single as ever.
That makes two of us.