I had an amazing conversation with Mr. S today, and afterward I spent the next couple hours thinking about how hard it is to actually believe that the things we wish were true – actually are – well, true. I came to Boulder to find Balance. But I also came because I’m in Love with this city. And the Love I feel for this place is no different then the deepest love I’ve ever felt for a person. Until my first visit here 3 years ago, I never knew that it was possible to have a love affair with a city. Trust me, it is.
But Boulder isn’t going anywhere. And it just so happens that I love something else almost as much, and I want to give myself permission to explore that relationship. When I came here, I thought those two things were mutually exclusive. I thought I would have to choose between them. But after my first night back in this magical city, I started thinking about ways to “have my cake, and eat it too”. Except there was a problem. While I could make decisions about my own life, I knew I had no right to make decisions about someone else’s life. Especially when, at the end of the day, I had no idea how that person felt. That person being Mr. S, of course.
But then today I simply said – “S, I want to be with you.” And he replied, “Erica, I want to be with you too.” And I think that was the first time either one of us ever believed that was really true. I’ve wanted it to be true. For a long time. But, I’ve been scared. I’ve been scared of losing my identity to another person. I’ve been scared of rejection. I’ve been scared of getting my heart broken. I’ve been scared to trust him. I’ve been scared to trust myself.
I’m not exactly sure what this looks like going forward. We’ve talked about starting a company together. We’ve talked about the opportunities that Boulder could offer to both of us. We’ve talked about change. And change is scary. But as scary as it is, I think it’s worth it. I think he and I would be good together. I think he feels the same way.
When you really love someone, you stop keeping score. It becomes less about being right, and more about being happy. And at the end of the day, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be happy.
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Erica OGrady is the CXO of Peanut Butter Media. She is currently HOMELESS while working on a project called Twilight & Tea. Erica is a Writer, Adventurer, Explorer who Still Believes in Santa and Following Your Bliss -- For more information Text ERICAOGRADY to 50500
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"While I could make decisions about my own life, I knew I had no right to make decisions about someone else’s life."
What a great point! I completely relate to this post.