On Strength

EricaFeatured, Happiness, Personal10 Comments

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The other night Mr. S asked me what it would look and feel like to be in the perfect relationship?  And the truth is, his question caught me off guard.  After everything I’ve gone through over this past year, I’m very resistant to the idea of “being in a relationship”.  And that resistance intensifies when words like “perfect” are added to the mix.

But for his benefit, and my own, I think I’d like to answer his question.  I’m a Capricorn, and by my very nature I’m stubborn, ambitious, and to a large degree suspicious of anything that seems “Too Good To Be True”.  In my relationships I need Security, Honesty, and lots of good old fashioned Communication.  More than anything, I want to believe in the Fairy Tale…but the fear – my fear – stops me.

I once made a list of everything I wanted in the “Perfect Guy”, and I’m going to share that list with you here on two conditions, 1.) No negative comments about my list.  Think of this like a brainstorming session – where all ideas are considered valid.  2.) If you don’t like my list – too bad, it’s MY list – make your own.

  1. No Projects
  2. Killer Wit
  3. Success Oriented (ie. Ambitious)
  4. Down to Earth
  5. Cultured
  6. Not Ridiculously Good Looking (those one’s always cheat)
  7. Totally Independent
  8. Geeky (of the Tech Variety)
  9. Mostly Smarter than Me (a girl’s gotta have someone to look up to)
  10. Thick Skin
  11. Open Minded
  12. Willing to Take Risks – Big Ones
  13. Passionate About EVERYTHING
  14. Quick to Forgive
  15. Willing to Dance (doesn’t have to be Fred Astaire – but willing to try)
  16. Moody and Sullen sometimes (I kinda like that – plus I am too)
  17. Able to focus for long periods of time – cause I can’t
  18. Able to help me to focus
  19. Willing to start a company with me – even though it could turn out badly should our relationship go south (goes back to that whole risk thing)
  20. Comfortable being both the center of attention (ie. he’s got charisma) and being totally low key and watching me work a room.
  21. But likes to compete with me.
  22. Not terribly religious – but still honors traditions.
  23. Loves to Read
  24. Is Curious About EVERYTHING
  25. Doesn’t believe that anything is Impossible
  26. And Recently Added – Wants to Fly Me To Paris for Dinner (I’m Worth It Damn It!  Just ask Brett…)

That’s it.  That’s what I want.  But I think it takes Strength to ask for what we want.  And even more Strength to hold out until we get it.  Too many people settle for Good Enough.  They settle for less than what they want and deserve because they are tired of looking, waiting, hoping for “Perfect”.

But here’s my advice.  Be Strong.  Have Faith.  I don’t know for sure that Perfect is out there – but this time around I’m going to wait and find out.  The worst that can happen is I end up single for the rest of my life.  And so far, that hasn’t been so bad!

P.S.  To Mr. S, I know this wasn’t what you meant when you said I should write a post on Strength :P  And the Ballerina is of course, for you.

10 Comments on “On Strength”

  1. Todd that's awesome! I'm afraid I don't have a husband…and I rather like being single. But, I would be open to a relationship with a person like I described above 😉 I think I might be setting a new bar for High Expectations!

  2. Sarah – I love the way you worded that: "Talented & Intelligent in different ways than me". That is perhaps what I really meant. I just want someone who peaks my intellectual curiosity daily.

    Did I mention I'm stubborn? That would be why I'm hesitant to consider a relationship with anyone at this point. But yes, Mr. S does seem to have my attention these days whether I like it or not.

  3. I'm super stubborn, too! I honestly didn't think I would find someone I could deal with or could manage to live with me. I even considered being a spy, because I didn't think that would happen. Thankfully, I was wrong! There can be a lot of power in giving up *some* control. As hard as it's been for me to learn, sometimes someone else's approach is the right one. (Just don't tell Rich I said that 😉 )

  4. Ya know, sometimes it's just hard to communicate, even for us communicators. Feelings and matters of the heart are scary scary things to put on the table. But you have to, that's the rub. To experience life and to taste it with all its ups and downs there is no other choice. Thinking what we WANT is minute; knowing what we NEED is monumental. But once you know, if you don't voice it, who is to blame? Ya gotta show your cards and if they walk away, be OK with it. They can't hang. But if they show you theirs…maybe it's a match. And, really, that's what we're looking for here right? 🙂 Luvs to you.

  5. As the second guy to comment on this, i think this is a great exercise. i'd be tempted to make my own list for what my ideal woman was, but for some reason i think i'd catch flack for it ("no woman is trained as a ninja AND can bake cookies") 😉 though maybe I should post something to see how react.

    1. Go ahead and make your list, even the stuff you would never admit in public. (You don't have to post those, but you should at least know for yourself. lol). But the point is be super clear about what you want, and you would be amazed how the right person shows up with combinations of what you want you never thought possible. And maybe not a ninja, but martial arts and cookies actually ARE possible, and come to think of it, I think I actually did meet a woman who knew martial arts and loved to cook too. So your request is not impossible.

      The next step is to be real. Be yourself and be clear about what you are looking for. The wrong ones will not be interested, and the right ones will be attracted to you like a magnet.

      When I created my list for a "perfect woman" who I never expected to actually exist, I did it mostly as a mental exercise and to also to get clear on what I didn't want. I expected to get 50% or less of my wildest dreams. After all, no woman could possibly have ALL of these traits, right?

      Then, I started meeting women who were similar to the list, to my amazement. Where were all these women before? And then, I met the one. Who fit the list like a glove. Not 100% but so close I am still shocked to this day. And there were even bonuses I did not even think of.

      There is someone for everyone. Clarity and authenticity are like a magnet. The compatible sides attract, and the non compatible sides repel. Don't worry about the non-compatible ones. The compatible ones will adore you for you.

      Good luck, and go ahead an make that list. Be flexible enough to allow variations of a theme, but also know what you want, and probably more importantly, what you don't want.

  6. I wanted to make a comment about taking the risk and starting a business together. This can either be the most wonderful thing in the world, or the worst thing in the world, because it magnifies the dynamics of a relationship, in either a good way or bad way.

    Running a business together requires that you two truly be partners, in all ways, to a much greater extent than if you were just a couple and did not run a business. If you have separate careers, when you are not being good partners, you can run away to work to escape. When in a business together, you cannot do that, you are locked at the hip.

    They say that you should be more careful picking a business partner than you are picking your spouse. After all, if you pick the wrong one, I think you know what could happen. However, if you pick the right one, and you have a business together, and you and your spouse are willing to be true partners, then you two will become one, an unstoppable team who creates a wonderful life together.

    There is someone out there for everyone, so I know that you can get what you want. I got totally clear about what I wanted in a woman, and, amazingly, we found each other, and are taking the steps to move together. I wish you luck. And yet, I know you do not need luck, because you create your own luck.

  7. #19 is interesting. Is that an absolute requirement. I think starting a business with a significant other is probably the toughest thing you can do. Good list. It's always good to have something to aspire to. #6 must be from your 'too good to be true' filter. Good looking guys doesn't have to equate with cheating anymore than good looking girls equates to stuck up bitchiness. 😉

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