ReinventingErica.com – Day 22 of 90

Photo by Diez Photography

Reaching Deeper

In a recent post, I talked about the fears we all share.  Today I was confronted with another fear that I believe stops too many of us in our tracks.  I’m going to talk about that fear, and then I’m going to offer some words of advice.¹

The Heart of The Matter

I have never been in Love.  I have loved people.  And people have loved me.  But I’ve never experienced a mutually breathless, palm-sweating, can’t focus, can’t sleep the night before I’m going to see him because it feels like Christmas kind of love.  When it comes to the men I’ve loved (and there have been 2), one was an unhealthy on again – off again relationship that lasted nearly 16 years (we met when I was 11).  The timing was just never right.  And I always felt like I was more in love with the idea of him – then with the reality of actually being with him.  And the other I have never so much as kissed…but he’s unknowingly taught me the meaning of Love.  It’s a more grounded and mature Love, where I can’t think of him without hoping that he’s insanely happy and successful for the rest of his life – with or without me.  No strings.  No conditions.  No drama.  No expectations.  The mere fact of his existence makes me want to be a better person.  And if that’s not love, I’m not sure what is.

I recently started dating again – after leaving an unhealthy and loveless 11.5 year relationship.  And it’s fun.  And scary.  And intoxicating.  The truth is – I never really dated.  I moved from my parents house – in with my ex.  I never took the time to get to know different types of men or even myself.  I had no idea what I wanted.

Now – I’m learning.

The same guy who taught me about what it means to love without conditions – also told me that: “Love is only possible when you share common values and sense of purpose in life”.  And that: “When two people are in love they usually think they love the other more.  Because people never feel fully appreciated.”

And that’s what I want to talk about today.  How we always “think” we love someone more.  That we’ve got more invested and at stake.  And how that belief stems from some deep inner fears, and is tied directly to the other topic I’m going to cover – Rejection.

The Courage to Tell The Truth

Recently I did this really brave thing – and I told the person that I’ve been in love with how I felt.  Not because I wanted or needed a specific response from him.  Or to play games or force his hand.  I just didn’t want to wonder “What If?  What if I’d been brave enough to share my true feelings?”.

It took me a long time to get up the courage to be honest.  And I battled a lot of very common fears:

• “He’s out of my league.” (This has been the prevailing thought in my head since I first met him)
• “This will make our friendship awkward.”
• “He’ll think I’m crazy for feeling this way.”
  
• “He’ll never speak to me again.”
• “If He Rejects me I’ll die”. (Okay – that one’s a little melodramatic – but you get the idea)

I knew I had to tell the truth in order to close that door and move forward.

I’m dating again – and more importantly – I’m ready to date again.  To entertain the possibility of a new relationship.  And as luck would have it – I’ve also recently met a few people who “share my values and sense of purpose”.  But I was holding on to hope.  Hope that I’d end up with that guy who finally taught me about the meaning of love.

I had to face my fears about Rejection – in order to clear space for a new (and hopefully more mutual) relationship.  And I had to come to terms with my own doubts and insecurities.

My Advice

The fears that stop us in Love – are the very same fears that stop us in our careers and lives.  Fear of Rejection – and Fear that We Have More At Stake.  So here’s my advice.  Just for 1 day – try Radical Honesty.  Tell the absolute truth about everything to everyone in your life.  Put your heart out there.  Be vulnerable.  Take a risk.  Let go of your expectations.  Have faith.

It might not work out the way you hope – but you’ll never feel more alive, more vulnerable, more human, or more free.

And you can always go back to telling little white or big black lies tomorrow.

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Erica OGrady is the CXO of Peanut Butter Media. She is currently HOMELESS while working on a project called Twilight & Tea. Erica is a Writer, Adventurer, Explorer who Still Believes in Santa and Following Your Bliss -- For more information Text ERICAOGRADY to 50500