I was thinking a lot today about Randy Pausch. Do you remember Randy Pausch? He was the professor from Carnegie Mellon who died last year at the age of 47 from Pancreatic Cancer. But not before he reminded us all what it means to live.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in the drama of our own lives. I’ve probably wasted YEARS of my life wallowing in my own self-pity. But in the immortal words of Ally McBeal: “We’re all victims of our own choices.”
Here’s the thing – We have a choice in how we spend our time. We have a choice about how we handle grief, despair, fear, and pain. We can choose to spend the precious minutes, hours, and days of our lives stuck in the past – or we can fearlessly move forward towards our dreams without looking back. Knowing that “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” 1
I’m not happy about recent events in my life. But surprisingly – I’m not unhappy about them either. The emotion I seem to be feeling most these days is EXCITEMENT. I’m excited about the future. I’m excited about the new possibilities that are suddenly open to me. I’m excited to be doing it on my own. I feel alive and free. And you know what they say about Freedom – it’s just another word for nothing left to lose. I keep coming back again and again to a quote from an article by Julia Allison where she says: “…but I’m still not convinced one should make life choices solely to avoid possible future unhappiness”. Genius.
From Dr. Phil to Dale Carnegie
When I was 19 years old, I went through a debilitating depression. The kind of depression where I slept for 17-18 hours a day and “forgot” to shower for over a week. If you’ve never suffered from depression, it might be hard for you to understand how utterly incapacitating this disease can be. I went to therapists, and I took anti-depressants…but it was Dr. Phil who ultimately saved my life.
Now no matter what you might think of Dr. Phil – sometimes a little tough love is exactly what the doctor ordered. His book Life Strategies took me out of victim mode, and helped me to regain accountability and control over my life. Feeling helpless and powerless are very common and crippling by-products of depression. I was an honors/AP student in High School – so while I was brilliant academically – I had never been taught how to cope with real life, and coping skills are essential to long-term success and sanity. The most valuable thing I learned from Dr. Phil was that I was 100% responsible for my life and every experience in it. At first this totally bummed me out. I was responsible for my life? I was the sole reason that I was feeling this way? I couldn’t just blame it all on someone else? I couldn’t blame my parents? I had created this reality? But then I realized that this also meant that I was 100% responsible for my future. And in an instant I stopped feeling helpless – and I started to feel empowered.
“Miracles start to happen when you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears.” 2 So there I was, face to face with my own miracle. My life literally changed in an instant. One moment I was depressed and wallowing in self-pity, and the next I was free from depression and ready to take on the world. Which is exactly what I did.
Recently I found myself falling into old habits. The circumstances of my life made it almost impossible for me to feel anything but sorry for myself. I spent so much time being worried, anxious, fearful, and conflicted that I had stopped living all together. But this time I knew that I was accountable for my life and that I had “taught people how to treat me”. There was no one to blame but me, myself, and I.
But I needed a new set of coping skills to get me out of my funk – and on with living. That’s when I discovered Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. BINGO! – I had discovered a new instruction manual for living – complete with new coping strategies and techniques.
Instructions For Living 3
- Live in “Day-Tight” Compartments. Don’t Dwell on the past – or worry about the future. Just live each day until bedtime.
- Remember that living in worry can be deadly. “Those who do not know how to fight worry die young.”4
- Use Willis H. Carrier’s Magic Formula:
- Ask “What’s the worst that can happen?”
- Prepare to mentally accept the worst that can happen.
- Do what you can to improve on the worst.
- Keep busy. It’s hard to worry about the future – when you barely have time to focus on now.
- Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.
- Fill your mind with thoughts of abundance and gratitude.
- Live Authentically. Don’t try to imitate others.
- Let Go of Resentment, Anger, Envy, and other destructive emotions as quickly as possible.
- Do the most important thing FIRST.
- Work with Passion & Enthusiasm – Rest Peacefully.
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Erica OGrady is the CXO of Peanut Butter Media. She is currently HOMELESS while working on a project called Twilight & Tea. Erica is a Writer, Adventurer, Explorer who Still Believes in Santa and Following Your Bliss -- For more information Text ERICAOGRADY to 50500
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Great post! I like #10 work with passion & enthusiasm – rest peacefully, although sometimes when I'm really excited about work, I wake up in the middle of the night and can't stop thinking about everything I want to do! But it's a good thing, not like waking up from stress and worry.
And that Julia Allison quote – sometimes we do have to go thru painful or unhappy things to find out what we can do, how high we can reach.
Thank you (again!) for your honest, open and thoughtful writing, Erica. Your post is quite possibly the perfect kick-start to a new phase in my life as well. Funny have the universe tailor-makes terrifying/exhilarating paradigm shifts… Especially love your quotes & literary references – if you have a moment & haven’t cracked the Jung tomes yet, I’d highly recommend ‘Modern Man In Search Of A Soul’ & ‘Undiscovered Self.’ Big hugs from Toronto!
I congratulate you on turning your life around and I'm glad to see that you were able to find creative strategies that allowed you to unlock your creative potential and move past obstacles. That being said, I'd like to say as well — speaking as a person who's struggled with depression for over twenty-five years and who's seen depression's devastating, and sometimes lethal, effects on people I care about — that whatever your experience may have been, depressed people are not "wallowing in self-pity." Depression is not going through painful or unhappy experiences. Depression is an illness that if untreated is often fatal. I do not mean to detract from your achievement or your personal transformation by saying this, but believe me, if what you suffer from can be cured by reading a book by Dr. Phil or Dale Carnegie, then what you have isn't depression.
Good post. But it could've been a lot shorter. Let me suggest the following:
'Erica's Outreach to the Sick, Tired and Dispossesed:
SMACK YOURSELVES IN THE FACE. GROW UP.'
The next time I'm feeling blue, I'll read Atlas Shrugged. Thanks, Erica.
@Tagg – It's interesting that you mention Atlas Shrugged – that's another book that has helped lift me from melancholy to exaltation. While I agree with Nathan that not every person suffering from depression can be cured by tough love – I know it works for some.
@Nathan – I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression (Major Depressive Disorder) at 19 and have been suffering bouts of depression on and off since then. I agree that what I'm suggesting here might not work for every person with depression. Most people will need to mix these philosophies with medication and/or traditional therapy. I think the reason this works so well for me is that these belief patterns and coping strategies are very similar to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. My depression is directly related to my self-esteem and feelings of self-efficacy. And while people are often genetically predisposed to depression (for instance depression runs in my family), that's only one part of the equation. The rest is determined by life circumstances, our ability to cope with stress and setbacks, and to a large degree our beliefs about how much control we can exert over our own lives. Just like everyone is born with a setpoint for Happiness – similarly – people are born with a setpoint for depression. But like Happiness, while depression is genetically influenced it is not fixed or set in stone.
How interesting. Could you tell me more about that? What in Atlas Shrugged helped you the most? Did you find your place in the never-ending war against society's 'parasites' and 'looters'? Or was it the blind faith that laissez-faire capitalism will kill off the 'moochers' of the world? Do you fantasize about the 'creative' class packing off to form their own utopia, with the shiftless socialists and egalitarian time-wasters left to eat each other alive? Because I think that could lift me out of any funk. Just tell me where to start.
Depression also has a lot to do with chemicals in your body also. I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease over 7 years ago and it is that disease which causes my severe depression and anxiety, panic attacks(the whole kit and caboodle). No matter how many books I read, and I have read A LOT, or therapy sessions I go to, I will not be able to get myself out of bed without my medication. It's not that I don't have the will to do it, my body just won't let me. I am glad these methods have worked for you and you are finding some excitment back in your life.
Hugs
Jess
Hey Jess – have you ever tried Bio-identical Hormone Replacement Therapy or looked into Adrenal Fatigue. I completely agree that there can be a powerful biological component to all of this. I know I've been there. But I also know that the mind is much more powerful then we could ever imagine. My friend Laura Fitton (@pistachio) always tells me – to "Find Better Beliefs". And you'd be amazed at how much that has changed my life.
If you're interested in BHRT let me know and I'll refer you to my awesome Doctor – @drshel
Glad all is well with you. What's the story with Matt? What happened to him?
The truth is when it comes to Matt – I dodged a bullet. I was lucky enough to come to my senses before I let him ruin my life the way he ruined his. In that respect – I'm so lucky and grateful. Life is funny that way – sometimes the things we are most afraid of – are the very best things that have ever happened to us.
Now I just wonder why it took me so long!